I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

To me, comedy is a game.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

People only have so much attention.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.