Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

When I was a kWhen I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.id and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.