A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.