I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

Political audiences are not fun.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'