Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.