People don't realize that the future is just now, but later.

The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief.

I like threesomes with two women, not because I'm a cynical sexual predator. Oh no! But because I'm a romantic. I'm looking for "The One." And I'll find her more quickly if I audition two at a time.

Life’s never a postcard of life, is it? It never feels like how you’d want it to look.

My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents.

I want to change the world, and do something valuable and beautiful. I want people to remember me before I'm dead, and then more afterwards.

Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage.

For me happiness occurs arbitrarily: a moment of eye contact on a bus, where all at once you fall in love; or a frozen second in a park where it's enough that there are trees in the world.

Have you been out in society recently? 'Cause it's SHIT.

Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.

Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.

I couldn't possibly have sex with someone with such a slender grasp on grammar!

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

Excuse the mess, but we live here.

I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.

Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?