Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I think there's a definite template for what can be done for the future, but I'm not going to call myself a trailblazer. It didn't seem like a big idea to me: Let people know you appreciate their loyalty, and you say thank you. I was just doing what those punk bands did with fliers. Stand on the corner and say 'Come check us out.' Instead of fliers, it was going to be instant messages and e-mails.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?