There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

Once you kill a cow, you gotta make a burger

"Science is magic that works."

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything."

"I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all."

"Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?"

"Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops."

"I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone."

"The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected."

"One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us."

"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone."

"The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."

"Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why."

"Tiger got to hunt, bird got to fly; Man got to sit and wonder 'why, why, why?' Tiger got to sleep, bird got to land; Man got to tell himself he understand."

"I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different."

"Being a Humanist means trying to behave decently without expectation of rewards or punishment after you are dead."

"Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward."

"Dear future generations: Please accept our apologies. We were rolling drunk on petroleum."

"The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon."

"And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

"How nice -- to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been."

"And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep."