"I think that anybody that smiles automatically looks better."

"Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing."

"Anybody who's done standup will tell you that there's nothing like it. The show starts at 8:00, the curtain goes up and there's nobody else except you and the audience, and you just perform for them for two hours. Nobody yells, 'Cut!' There are no retakes. That is still the most exciting medium for me, and I love it."

"I'd love to play in a Red Sox game. It would be so awesome to actually walk out on the field and play, just for one inning. I'd also steal everything I could get my hands on in the clubhouse, which is why they won't let me do it."

"If I'm president, there are going to be government vans that drive around and pick up people who shouldn't be wearing certain clothing. Talk about lack of civil rights - I'm sorry, I'm pulling you right off the street, and we're giving you clothes that you're going to be O.K. in."

"I learned a long time ago, if you want to keep your friends in show business, don't get famous. Because as soon as you get famous, a lot of the people you used to know, who didn't, become incredibly bitter and jealous. It's part of the territory."

"If you want a long-term relationship that doesn't require a lot of work, I say, get a dog. They love you no matter what. But when it comes to humans, there's no secret; you really have to appreciate the person every single day."

"I'm praying for 'Ice Age' 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Because I really think we can run those characters into the '60s, and I'm talking the 1960s, you know? The Civil Rights Movement. That's what I'm praying for, because then I wouldn't have to do anything else."

"I'm not saying being a comedian is brain surgery, but it is definitely - it's like being a carpenter. You learn how to make tables and chairs. You have to have the right tools, and you have to know how to put the thing together, right?"

"My cousin Jerry Lucey and five other firefighters died in a warehouse fire in Worcester, Mass. - my hometown - right in the middle of our old neighborhood downtown when a homeless couple started a fire to keep warm and the entire building went up. My cousin died trying to save homeless people who had already left the building."

"I think it's a shame when you come across young actors and musicians who haven't had the time to learn their craft. It doesn't matter if it's acting or music; you really have to learn how to do it from the bottom up because unless you have a great work ethic... fame is a terrible thing to have."

"In my experience in series TV, if you have a good crew and a great cast, it's going to be a great group - similar to the theater where it's a bunch of people who are really talented and go to work each day and challenge each other, and if you are lucky enough to get a hit then it's five or six or seven years of this kind of work."

"You know it’s Ash Wednesday? Really? I just thought people suddenly decided to start putting cigarettes out on their foreheads."

"When I go to Batman movies, I always think, 'Man, I would like to be a bad guy in a Batman movie.' especially as they got darker when they go to the Christian Bale era."

"I'm not really a Spider-Man fan. I'm more of a Batman guy."

"My goal is to leave this planet with the biggest carbon footprint I can possibly leave."

"People saying, 'Life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.' Welcome to the club. I wanted to be the starting center-fielder for the Boston Red Sox, for chrissakes!"

"I'm pretty much a chocolate guy. I'm up for any type of chocolate. Any chocolate."

"I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy."

"I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles."

"Once you have a firefighter in your family, your family and the families from his crew become one big extended family."

"I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor."

"We wander, question. But the answer waits in each separate heart - the answer of our own identity and the way by which we can master loneliness and feel that at last we belong."

"Garlicky chicken is the best breakfast in the world."