Tonight’s December thirty-first, Something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, Like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.

I have an idea that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.

A jolly young fellow from Yuma Told an elephant joke to a puma; now his skeleton lies beneath hot western skies- the puma had no sense of huma

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough.

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

Either you get eaten by a wolf today or else the shepherd saves you from the wolf so he can sell you to the butcher tomorrow

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~ Ogden Nash

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it.

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.

Too clever is dumb.

Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going.

There’s nothing that keeps it’s youth So far as I know, but a tree and the truth

Elephants are useful friends: they have handles on both ends.

Sure deck your lower limbs in pants; Yours are the limbs, my sweeting. You look divine as you advance– Have you seen yourself retreating?

People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.

If some confectioners were willing To let the shape announce the filling, We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs, Bitten into and returned to the box.

You can have my jellyfish I am not sellyfish

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Man is a victim of dope In the incurable form of hope!

He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance.

Which the Chicken and Which the Egg? He drinks because she scolds, he thinks; She thinks she scolds because he drinks; And nether will admit what's true, That he's a sot and she's a shrew.

At least when I get on the Boston train I have a good chance of landing in the South Station And not in that part of the daily press which is reserved for victims of aviation.

My fellow man I do not care for. I often ask me, What's he there for? The only answer i can find Is, Reproduction of his kind.

Senescence begins And middle-age ends The day your descendants Outnumber your friends

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up." ~Happy birthday Ogden Nash! (born 8.19.1902)

Professional men, they have no cares; Whatever happens, they get theirs.

The Bronx? No Thonx!

O, money, money, money, I'm not necessarily one of those who think thee holy, But I often stop to wonder how thou canst go out so fast when thou comest in so slowly.

How easy for those who do not bulge To not overindulge!