Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.