QUOTES by Jerry Seinfeld
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As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
Quote by -Jerry Seinfeld