Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.