Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Men want to make women happy.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

Stand-up is hard.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen.