I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.

I was not an attractive child.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.

Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.

It's feast or famine in showbiz.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

My audiences get younger all the time.

I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.

I just love acting.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.

I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.