Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.