No one can disgrace us but ourselves.

A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.

There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.

The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.

Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.

Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.

Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.

A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them.

It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit.

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

Remember the poor, it costs nothing.

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.

Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.

The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.

It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.

Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.

Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.

It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too.

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it.

Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something.