Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they'd tip.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

Individuality' is the key to success.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Faith, indeed, has up to the present not been able to move real mountains.... But it can put mountains where there are none. Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave - but there's no need to be in the passing lane.