The Playboy Calendar this year has some tiptop models. Any more top and they'd tip.

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

It's mandatory in this day and age to be considered to have a sense of humor and to demonstrate it. You're not paying me for a joke, You're paying me for the right joke.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.

Robert Orbenis best known as an American professional comedy writer, though he also worked as a speechwriter for Gerald R. Ford and as a magician. He has written multiple books on comedy, mostly collections of gags and "one-liners" originally written for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and he has also written books for magicians..

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

You wouldn't want Alan Greenspan to write the instructions for assembling a beach chair.

I'd be surprised if Ronald Reagan doesn't run again. To us it's a second term. To him it's a double feature.

Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.