QUOTES by Steven Wright
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Quote by -Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
Quote by -Steven Wright