"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

"Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic."

"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."

"Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."

"Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband."

"Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility."

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."

"Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage."

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

"History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."

"Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced."

"Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization."

"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent."

"Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."

"Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of."

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills."

"Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured."

"Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

"Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."