QUOTES by George Carlin
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"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."
Quote by -George Carlin
"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."
Quote by -George Carlin
"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."
Quote by -George Carlin
"When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."
Quote by -George Carlin
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"
Quote by -George Carlin
"How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
Quote by -George Carlin
"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."
Quote by -George Carlin
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
Quote by -George Carlin
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
Quote by -George Carlin
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
Quote by -George Carlin