"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."