QUOTES by George Carlin
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"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
Quote by -George Carlin
"My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"
Quote by -George Carlin
"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."
Quote by -George Carlin
"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."
Quote by -George Carlin
"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
Quote by -George Carlin
"There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."
Quote by -George Carlin
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."
Quote by -George Carlin
"You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."
Quote by -George Carlin
"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
Quote by -George Carlin
"The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."
Quote by -George Carlin
"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."
Quote by -George Carlin
"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"
Quote by -George Carlin
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
Quote by -George Carlin
"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"
Quote by -George Carlin