Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I'd rather give them things than time.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands

I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward.

I don't like people cleaning my room.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!