I'm not a comedian, but I do make people laugh. I'm good at it.

Nobody likes Jews. You can't say people like Jews. We're not popular. We're too smart to be liked. But it has been unacceptable to express anti-Semitism since the Holocaust.

Sydney has taken my money, Melbourne has my respect, but Adelaide has taken my heart; I shall return.

I think life is sweeter shared; and if anything were to happen to my partner, I would find it really hard without her because she's the perfect person for my life.

What's the difference between herpes and love? Herpes is forever.

Home is wherever I hang my hat.

Communication is something we all take for granted.

I had a very good kiss from Bob Monkhouse once. I thought, 'If I was straight, I would go for Bob.'

I've been fat my whole life and pretended I don't mind. But I do mind. It's really stupid that I've gone on being greedy and fat.