I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid.

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.