There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.

I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.

Comedy is all about the pause.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.

Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.

I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

I was a comedy fan when I was a little kid.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

I loved listening to laughter even as a little kid.

I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff. So I do very, very little of it.

My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.