“A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn't.”

“I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter's evening, and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some sugar and a drench of cream... I know how the nuts taken in conjunction with winter apples, cider, and doughnuts, make old people's tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting.”

“I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.”

“The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little.”

“Write what you know.”

“He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.”

“When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.”

“When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.”

“It's easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.”

“Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”

“It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”

“We may not pay Satan reverence, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents.”

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”

“Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it.”

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.”

“Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. ”

“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”

“There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.”

“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.”

“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.”