How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.

Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.