I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.'

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light

Country music is about new love and it's about old love.

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead