"Hollywood is ten million dollars worth of intricate and high ingenious machinery functioning elaborately to put skin on baloney."

"Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work inthe brewery."

"It may be said that artist and censor differ in this wise: that the first is a decent mind in an indecent body and that the second is an indecent mind in a decent body."

"What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's transparency."

"Opening Night: The night before the play is ready to open."

"A life spent in constant labor is a life wasted, save a man be such a fool as to regard a fulsome obituary notice as ample reward."

"All that is necessary to raise imbecility into what the mob regards as profundity is to lift it off the floor and put it on a platform."

"Great art is as irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness."

"Common sense, in so far as it exists, is all for the bourgeoisie. Nonsense is the privilege of the aristocracy. The worries of the world are for the common people."

"No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched."

"The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth."

"An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out."

"Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man."

"In the theatre, a hero is one who believes that all women are ladies, a villain one who believes that all ladies are women."

"I drink to make other people interesting."

"The path of sound credence is through the thick forest of skepticism."

"It is also said of me that I now and then contradict myself. Yes, I improve wonderfully as time goes on."

"A ham is simply any actor who has not been successful in repressing his natural instincts."

"What passes for woman’s intuition is often nothing more than man’s transparency."

"A man may be said to love most truly that woman in whose company he can feel drowsy in comfort."

"Bad officials are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote."

"Love demands infinitely less than friendship."

"A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy."

"Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few."