We spoke to God about the children, and we were afraid to ask God for specific things. We thought that it might be too much. So we said to God 'Please give us a healthy child' and left it at that, not knowing that God is a generous God, but also has a sense of humor. And if you leave that much open for God, some wonderful jokes are going to come about.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.

It doesn't make any difference how much money a father earns, his name is always Dad-Can-I.... Like all other children, my five have one great talent: they are gifted beggars. Not one of them ever ran into the room, looked up at me, and said, "I'm really happy that you're my father, and as a tangible token of my appreciation, here's a dollar.

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children.

All Children Have Brain Damage!

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.

In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to disciplne a child is still a mystery to most fathers and...mothers Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.

My wife and I have five children. And the reason why we have five children is because we do notwantsix.

The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when they say, I love children because they're so honest. There is not an agent in the CIA or the KGB who knows how to conceal the theft of food, how to fake being asleep, or how to forge a parent's signature like a child.

Anyone who has brought up children knows that consistency has absolutely nothing to do with discipline.

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).

My dad came over to the house... went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of money, and began to pass it out to the children... This was the same man who, when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, this man would tell me his life's story.

A child who is disciplined will be more obedient and also more organized as a student.

There are no absolutes in raising children. In any stressful situation, fathering is always a roll of the dice. The game may be messy, but I have never found one with more joys and rewards.

Our children are trying to tell us something, and we are not listening.

Your parents put a curse on you - Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

My wife and I have five children; the reason we have five children is because we do not want six

Some authority on parenting once said, ""Hold them very close and then let them go."" This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).

There are teachers in the United States who cry in the daytime because they see a child or children who haven't eaten properly, children who haven't used soap in so long.

If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won't get them. If you take them just for emergency, that's all they're gonna get.

When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.

Laughter brings out the child in all of us.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.