...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I am no fan of books.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

I report, I decide.

Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.