QUOTES by Stephen Colbert
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
Quote by -Stephen Colbert