Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

So live that you would not mind selling your pet parrot to the town gossip

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

Common sense ain't common.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does