A man is only as faithful as his options.

I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.

It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Pretty girls have problems too.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.