You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

Jokes rot. They're not like songs. I always envy singers - Sting is always going to sing 'Roxanne'. But people want to hear new jokes. I've written jokes as good as 'Roxanne', I believe. But I can't tell them again.

Hollywood's just not funny.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

I live way below my means.

Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.

When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.

I love being famous. It's almost like being white.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

I realized with Broadway everything written for black people is usually written in the past, and I'm kind of a contemporary guy. I don't think you want to see me in 'Raisin in the Sun'.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

There's some downsides to being famous, which are not even worth mentioning. But to combat the bad sides of being famous, you really should take advantage of the good sides. The good sides are, you can use that fame to get projects you might not normally get.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.

I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.

I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.

I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.

Simplicity is hard to build, easy to use, and hard to charge for. Complexity is easy to build, hard to use, and easy to charge for.

My biggest concern is the abundance of public doubt and misunderstanding when it comes to Twitter's vision and the near future for the service.

There are two reasons to pursue diversity and inclusion. One, because you believe one group has benefitted from hundreds of years of discrimination, or two, maybe you don't like that women make 73 cents on the dollar compared to men.

Funny enough, the person who is most bummed out to hear I won't be back is Mark Cuban. Despite what you might surmise from on screen, he and I are actually good friends - just really competitive good friends.

When someone comes in with a product they want in Bed Bath & Beyond, that's way out of my comfort zone.

I was in the room when Sundar convinced Eric Schmidt that it would be possible to unseat Internet Explorer as the world's most popular browser.

I think there wouldn't be a Net neutrality debate in this country if we really had a competitive environment for access.

If you follow my tweets, you know, my attention and anxiety have been increasingly focused on the plight of our democracy.

Buckminster Fuller - he never lost faith in the goodness of humanity.

If Twitter genuinely wants users to buy things at scale, they have to give us a chance to consider the offers and make a decision in a matter of minutes/hours/days, not just seconds.

I don't have a boss or PR person, so I'm accountable to no one.

There is a greed case for diversity. Diverse perspectives bring us into markets we didn't know existed.

When you get into investing, your default stance should be 'No,' because most deals suck. Most deals won't make money. Most companies will fail.

2009 was one of the busiest, most insane, stressful periods in my entire career. I was raising a bunch of money, buying a bunch of Twitter. I saw my friend fired as CEO of Twitter. Uber was growing like a weed. As these companies get bigger and bigger, there's more and more friction. Being public was the last thing I wanted to do at the time.

American computer science grads often have very little exposure to the human condition. They've rarely had manual labor or service jobs. They grow up in a bubble of privilege lulled into thinking this country is a true meritocracy.