If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.