QUOTES by Bill Maher
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"If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"I guess what's so frustrating about the drug movement is that it's not much of a movement that's too many stoners involved."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're people!"
Quote by -Bill Maher
"New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys?"
Quote by -Bill Maher
"And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?"
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in that house?"
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!"
Quote by -Bill Maher
"New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I still want to tell you to shut the fuck up."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that."
Quote by -Bill Maher
"Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime."
Quote by -Bill Maher