"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!"

"I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally."

"The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them." (The Decider, July 21, 2007)"

"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids."

"I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma."

"Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance."

"We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."

"I think religion is a neurological disorder."

"To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

"I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it."

"Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?"

"If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod."

"You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!"

"Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage."

"Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic."

"The "Power of One" is a slogan--not a goal."

"You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery."

"When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise."

"Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican."

"If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child."

"If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time"."

"Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin."

"I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it."

"You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president."

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo."

"You don't need a weapon to protect yourself."

"We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!"

"Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!"

"My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all."

"We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected."

"My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank."

"New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie."

"To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity."

"Every day in America is a day with a shooting."

"Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime."

"Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that."

"Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American."

"New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long."

"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."

"New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I still want to tell you to shut the fuck up."

"In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor."

"Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!"

"New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in that house?"

"Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply."

"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."

"New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you."

"Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler."

"We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart."