"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."

"I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

"Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it."

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."

"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"Before I speak, I have something important to say."

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."

"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."