I want to perform an unnatural act.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

I was a Jew talking about Goyim religion. If I had just stuck to Moses, everything would have been cool. But, copping to being part of the whole Christ murder conspiracy got everyone goose-stepping again.

You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?

Life is a four-letter word.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.