The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.