The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Take my wife... Please!

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!