QUOTES by Henny Youngman
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I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Quote by -Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Quote by -Henny Youngman
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Quote by -Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Quote by -Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Quote by -Henny Youngman