"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."

"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."

"I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say."

"You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry"

"If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine."

"Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands."

"Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover."

"I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving."