Comedy Quotes
Find one of the best and famous quote catagorized into topics like inspirational, motivations, deep, thoughtful, art, success, passion, frindship, life, love and many more.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
Quote by -Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Quote by -Steven Wright