My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.