After a long day at work, I want someone to come home, turn on my video and think, 'Oh my God, how girls get ready? This is hilarious. I love this; I'm forgetting about all my problems.'

Happiness is the only thing worth fighting for in your life.

A big part of depression is feeling really lonely, even if you're in a room full of a million people.

There's no escalators - there's only staircases to success. There is no substitute for hard work.

Honestly, I just wear what makes me feel good. So many people come up to me, and they're like, 'Did you know you're a tomboy? You should try wearing dresses.'

I am not looking for a relationship right now. I have no interest in putting my time or effort into another person, nor do I need another person to put energy into me, OK? Because that's what granola bars are for.

You need a really solid foundation of friends and family to keep you where you need to be.

Love who you are, embrace who you are. Love yourself. When you love yourself, people can kind of pick up on that: they can see confidence, they can see self-esteem, and naturally, people gravitate towards you.

Life is designed to knock you down. It will knock you down time and time again, but it doesn't matter how many times you fall - it matters how many times you get back up.

In my life I've gone through a lot of really hard times. I went through depression and had so many challenges that I overcame. And I overcame because I just decided to be happy.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.