One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.'

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.