A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.

Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.

Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.

Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.

The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.

If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.

If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.

A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.

No one can disgrace us but ourselves.

Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.

Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.

Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words.