I'd be hard-pressed to think of anybody who's made me laugh, who's funny, but who's also relentlessly positive.

I was very into New Order, Joy Division, all of that when I was younger. I had a lot of bootlegs that I saved up my pocket money to buy. I had all the obscure early EPs.

America is this incredible mosaic of immigrants, so people really want to be anchored in some kind of culture as well as the one they are living in.

Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.

Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.

Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You're pathetic - go away.'

You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself.

Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.

I enjoy performing, always, but when you're taping a gig, you've got to blank out this mass apparatus of self-consciousness that's surrounding you, this invitation to drown in self-consciousness. Otherwise you just won't be able to do anything.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me.

You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter.

It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while, I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams.

To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller.

I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.'

My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared.